I went to a wake yesterday, for a family friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. As I was driving there, a bunch of thoughts started tumbling around in my head… thoughts of why it’s so important to go to wakes and funerals, thoughts of how to support those who have just lost a loved one, thoughts of the myriad ways to aid those who have died as well as those who are mourning their loss. MP recently wrote an excellent Go Forth on this very topic here:
Here are some additional ways that we can “Go Forth” on behalf of the deceased and their families.
Read the obituaries regularly. I learned this habit from my father, who would read the obituaries in the Sunday paper every week. My husband and I didn’t get the paper; but when we would go to my dad’s house after Mass on Sundays, he would always have the obituaries section handy so that I could read it. It might sound morbid, but it’s a good way to learn who has passed away in your community. You might learn of the passing of the parent of a high-school friend, or of the brother or a coworker, or of your eighth-grade math teacher. My dad ended up at a lot of wakes and funerals and sent many, many cards because of reading the obituaries week after week.
Show up. Attend the funeral if you can. If you can’t, then try to attend the wake. Sign the guest book. If it’s a Catholic wake at which the rosary is being prayed for the decedent, consider staying for the rosary. Show up even if you haven’t seen the person in years, or even if you’ve lost touch
with the friend or acquaintance whose loved one has died. When my mother passed away in 2008, I was surprised and touched that two of my high-school buddies showed up at her funeral. One of them I hadn’t seen in probably ten years, and the other one I hadn’t seen since graduation over twenty years before. I was also moved that two of my high-school track coaches came to the funeral; I hadn’t seen either of them in decades, and yet there they were to pay their respects to my mother and to show support for my family. I will never forget how much it meant to me to see those four gentlemen there; to them perhaps it was a small thing, but to me it was huge.
Grab a holy card or a program. At most wakes (at least Catholic ones), there are personalized holy cards for the visitors to take home with them. And I’ve never attended a funeral at which there wasn’t a program. You can put these holy cards or programs in your bible, in your favorite
prayer books, or in a special place in which you keep such things. Then whenever you see them, they will be a reminder to say a quick prayer for the repose of that person’s soul, and for his loved ones. Putting such holy cards in bibles and prayer books was a common practice in days gone by, and I believe that it is a custom worth reviving.
Share a special memory. If the person who passed away is someone that you actually knew, then let the family know what he meant to you by sharing a fond memory with them. Or perhaps you never met the person but had heard a humorous or touching story about him. You could share that with the family, too. This could be done at the wake or funeral, or through a note (handwritten, if possible). Everybody loves to hear kind words and stories about their dear ones, and perhaps never more than when those dear ones have recently passed.
In lieu of flowers… Have a Mass said for the person who passed away, and send the Mass card to the family. If your local parish is already booked for the year, then there are plenty of religious orders that will offer Masses for those who have died.
Pray when passing by a cemetery. Along with praying for the repose of the souls of people that we knew, we can also help those that we didn’t know by developing the habit of praying whenever we drive or walk by a cemetery. My husband and I started doing this with our children when they were very small. Even now, when we drive by a cemetery, it doesn’t matter if someone is in the middle of a conversation, or a book, or a song. One of us will point toward the window and say, “Cemetery!” and then everyone makes the Sign of the Cross. Then we pray a modified “Fidelium Animae” prayer, followed by St. Gertrude’s prayer for the Holy Souls in Purgatory. (The Fidelium Animae prayer is as follows: “May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.” We modify it by praying, “May the souls of everyone buried in that cemetery and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.” The St. Gertrude prayer is as follows: “Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal church, those in my own home and within my family.”)
Grace After Meals. Back in the day, it was common for Catholic families to pray Grace after Meals and the Fidelium Animae prayer before leaving the dinner table. This is another tradition worth reviving. It only takes a moment, and it is a wonderful way to pray for the Holy Souls in Purgatory on a daily basis. (Here’s the Grace after Meals prayer: “We give Thee thanks, almighty God, for these and all Thy benefits, Who livest and reignest, world without end. Amen.”)
